Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
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What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!