Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Cndnsd Mlk
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.