Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Bootstraps
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.