Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.


ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out



ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?


ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.


Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.


ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts


An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End


90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.


I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.