Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
How can I say no to this ?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.