Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
“No way.” -Jose
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.