[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.