[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is