Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”