overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.