Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You Might Also Like
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The honesty is refreshing
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…