Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse