Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
They’re the worst 😩
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?