“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!