Owl Sanctuary
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
why he move like a hotel transylvania character