Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
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You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
If snakes were wide
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Monday
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand