Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Meme Monday.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Come back with a warrant
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.