Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.