Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick