P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
You Might Also Like
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Sorry. Not sorry
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence