Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
reviewed some movies recently
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.