Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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Me if I was a dog
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right