Pac-Man: what鈥檚 for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 馃寱馃寱馃寱
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you鈥檙e welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Not馃槅馃ぃ
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it鈥檚 within walking distance.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I鈥檓 sorry.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”