Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
You Might Also Like
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
🤣✨#caturday
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night