Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
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Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
going to the ER y’all need anything
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”