packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to