Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.