Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly