*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
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sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.