[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
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Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
early stone age tool
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.