{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I have a black belt in leather
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian