[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.