Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
thank god
Twitter is an abusement park.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then