Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

“That’s what” – She

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

Breaking news:

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.