Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
You Might Also Like
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there