[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
According to math, I’m broke
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.