Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.