Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too


why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines


I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”


We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?


I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.


Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.


Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.


Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.


People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced


replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty