I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*
Now love me.
*my left eyebrow falls off*
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet