[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…