Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”