@SteveSuckington [first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
@SteveSuckington “Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
@DirtMcTurd For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
@whatsJo Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
@WheelTod Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
@Merman_Melville Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
@AndyAsAdjective “Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
@kiel_phillips JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
@iamjohnsarris Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
@WorkingMom86 Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*