Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?


I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit


the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what


I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.


The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.


Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.


Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.


My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd