I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living


In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it


Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.


Review of the Solar System

“Only one star”


I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast


I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand


kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils


If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.