I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.


My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.


That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.


fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces


If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.


A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does


Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?


asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready


My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”


I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.