@momjeansplease

I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living

@BigJDubz

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

@QueenVofCoffee

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

@BigJDubz

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

@abbycohenwl

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

@Lottie_Poppie

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

@fro_vo

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

@Jamberee13

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.