My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow