My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.


Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.


Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.


[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed


It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing


Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow