@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@smiles_and_nods

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

@DadSetAgainst

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

@seancehat

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

@steeve_again

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

@Ygrene

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow