My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.