@mydmac

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@tchrquotes

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

@Havish_AF

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

@MyshkinFool

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

@greg_akerman

Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub

@_wendyb07

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

@capnwatsisname

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle