*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good


You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.


When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.


HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?


Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.

Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub


In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.


I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle