My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁


They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.


Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.


How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?


It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.


I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.


Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking