Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.


Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.


My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.


Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long


We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.


I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”


ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5


“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.