@Danielephant I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
@DocGregith Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
@bruh_h_h_h_h look at me when i’m typing to you
@barrel_rolls tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
@meantomyself Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
@fartoothinky “Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
@thelateinnings netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
@mommajessiec Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
@dad_on_my_feet My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”