@Cryptoterra

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

@julcasagrande

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

@JimmerThatisAll

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

@RodLacroix

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

@mxmclain

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

@Robert_Craig

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@frigginfrench

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???