@Cryptoterra landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
@julcasagrande It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
@JimmerThatisAll I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
@RodLacroix Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
@DurtMcHurtt I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
@mxmclain Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
@SchmuckOnAHorse You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
@Robert_Craig hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
@MadHatterMommy Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
@frigginfrench two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???