@Danielephant

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

@DocGregith

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

@barrel_rolls

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

@meantomyself

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

@fartoothinky

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

@thelateinnings

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

@

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

@mommajessiec

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

@dad_on_my_feet

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”