I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.


Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?


tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light


Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name


“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.


netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now


if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”


My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”