@daemonic3

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

@AndrewR31

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

@BangMyBongo

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

@fuzzlime

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

@UrPalWilly

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@ObKeeng

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.