@ddscrap

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

@thejessbess

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

@SortaBad

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

@LadyBroseph

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

@tastefactory

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

@KrissiBex

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

@SolelyB

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?