I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.


Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.


Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.


John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough


Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol


I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?