I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?