I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.


If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.


Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following


Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful


Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.


odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.


16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.


me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*


Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible