“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”


Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.


My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.


too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”


dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’


I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.


Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?


Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet