@oh_porter

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

@Grommit56

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

@Dad_At_Law

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

@videojame_

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

@perlhack

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

@littlegiinge

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet