@peachontwitta the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
@abbygov when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
@Social_Mime If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
@scootergonscoot fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
@Wordesse I’m good, thanks.
@DanSpenser A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
@TuSoonShakur I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
@UncleDuke1969 Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
@TheAlexNevil I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
