@mxmclain

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

@pittdave13

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

@BunAndLeggings

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

@Social_Mime

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

@dadmann_walking

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

@Shade510

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

@QueenVofCoffee

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

@metickleu

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

@ilovepie84

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

@AubriePesky

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty