@BerrymoreBlue When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
@GinAndJif Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
@ginnyhogan_ Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
@TomE83_ Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
@midwestern_ope True
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
@Social_Mime What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
@StruggleDisplay Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
@MumInBits Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
@mrjohndarby cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them