@mxmclain Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
@pittdave13 why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
@BunAndLeggings I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
@Social_Mime We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
@dadmann_walking I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
@Shade510 Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
@QueenVofCoffee Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
@metickleu Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
@ilovepie84 People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
@AubriePesky replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty