When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.


Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.


Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you


Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.


This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”


What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.


Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize


Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago