@30SECVlDEOS The smoothest fall of all time
@OrdinaryAlso waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
@sullivnx hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
@joeljeffrey Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
@Pork_Chop_Hair Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
@CyndiSaidMed Yes, this is exactly right
@Merrillmarkoe In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
@LittleBPat When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
@notsoevilrick The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
@jordan_stratton Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.