waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good


hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park


Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.


Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.


In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?


When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅


The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.


Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.